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25 February 2011 @ 11:48 pm
Fic: Be Thyself  
Title: Be Thyself
Author: Aelora
Rating: G
Spoilers: For 2.15
Summary: Plato said I must first know myself, as the Delphian inscription says; to be curious about that which is not my concern, while I am still in ignorance of my own self would be ridiculous. Blaine’s fairly certain Plato is somewhere right now, pointing and laughing at him.
A/N: Thanks to my lovely beta wordplay, who keeps getting dragged into the fight discussion, on which neither of us agree. :)

“I’d, uh, say bye, but I wouldn’t want to make you angry.”

Blaine turns and walks away without looking back. No matter how much he wants to look back. Blaine’s never walked away from an argument before — he was on the Dalton Academy debate team last year, for crying out loud! But then, he’s never had someone who means so much to him completely negate his fear and insecurities like that before. He’s never been so angry and hurt by someone he cares about that he’s purposely flung words back at them meant to inflict the kind of pain he was feeling.

He’s never cried over an argument before, either, but once he gets into his car, slamming the door shut, that’s exactly what happens. Gripping the steering wheel in front of him, Blaine leans his forehead against it and lets the tears he’s been holding back fall.

He’d almost lost his control sitting there across from Kurt, and wow, wouldn’t that have made a lasting impression? It had been bad enough listening to the boy tell him how much he looked up to him, like some big gay mentor who had all of the answers to everything and god, he’d never wanted that! Blaine had tried to be a friend to Kurt from the beginning — he’d never asked to be a role model. How could Kurt have even expected that out of him? He’d admitted shortly after they met that he’d ran away to the safety of Dalton, and his advice about confronting Karofsky had sure as hell gone well, and how — after all of that, after the humiliation and failure of the GAP attack — how could Kurt sit there across from him and be angry at Blaine for his insecurities? How can Kurt possibly not see what’s so glaringly apparent and still expect so much? How many times does Blaine have to spell out to him exactly how pathetic he is before Kurt finally gets and accepts it?

“Dammit,” he whispers, leaning back against the headrest and pressing the pads of his palms against his eyes in an attempt to dispel the tears. He learned long ago that it doesn’t lessen the pain, and no one gives a damn anyway, and it’s a sign of weakness he just can’t afford to give in to.

But since meeting Kurt, he’s cried more than once. Cried when Kurt had told him Karofsky had threatened to kill him — because that had been his fault, and Kurt may not have been particularly safe at McKinley, but before Blaine’s stupidity he hadn’t been in danger. Cried when he’d realized he’d apparently been mindlessly leading Kurt on and he’d hurt his best friend and that was something he’d never meant to do.

And now this.

It is his own mistake, apparently, for believing that Kurt is someone he can tell anything to, for actually believing that somehow their friendship hadn’t been irreparably damaged when Blaine had honestly admitted to Kurt that he just isn’t ready for them to be anything other than friends. For as much as Kurt had said he was disappointed in Blaine for suddenly being someone other than he’d made him out to be, Blaine finds himself equally disappointed in believing Kurt to be a better friend than is obviously the case. He can’t help but wonder what other times Kurt has scoffed at his feelings, his thoughts. If Blaine had introduced himself as bi when they first met, would Kurt have written him off as being incapable of figuring out who he is? As being wrong?

That’s what Blaine is having trouble dismissing as he finally slips the key into the ignition and starts the car. For all that maybe he shouldn’t have compared Kurt to Karofsky specifically, he doesn’t regret his implication. Kurt had sat there and told him his need to figure out who he is—to know whether or not he really and truly is gay—has no more reason for existence than any homophobes idea of homosexuality.

In all honesty, Blaine’s never felt this confused or insignificant in his entire life. And it’s difficult not to blame Kurt for all of that.


To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

you shouldn’t have walked out

Blaine’s been staring at the text for the last twenty minutes, trying to think of how to respond. The longer he stares at it, the angrier he gets. The words said that afternoon have just been sitting there inside of him, growing in scale. He knows he should probably just ignore it, but Blaine’s never really been good at ignoring anything.

To: Kurt Hummel
From: Blaine Anderson

Just like I shouldn’t have questioned my sexuality…

Two seconds after he hits send, he cusses softly and looks up Kurt’s name again.

To: Kurt Hummel
From: Blaine Anderson

Disregard that… was childish

He takes a breath and waits. A minute later, another message from Kurt arrives.

To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

you? childish??

Glaring at the screen of his phone, Blaine thinks of ten different responses to that before another message appears.

To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

…so was that… please ignore

Sighing heavily, Blaine leans back on his bed, staring at the phone in his hand. They’ve never done this before. They’ve certainly never fought—at least about anything that wasn’t completely inconsequential like the worst of all of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s bad musicals or who the hottest Winchester is. And now they can’t even seem to text to one another civilly.

Blaine lays his phone on his chest and closes his eyes. If he could borrow the Doctor’s Tardis, he would go back in time and find a reason not to go to Rachel’s party with Kurt. He’d had trepidations about going as it had been — too many concerns about fitting in with Kurt’s friends, about being accepted by people who knew meant the world to Kurt. And maybe he’d ended up trying too hard. But the kiss had felt… really nice. He’d never been kissed like that. Okay, he’d never been kissed ever except that one time in grade school, and that girl had been kind of wet and sloppy and her breath had smelled like Cheetos. Rachel’s mouth had been soft and warm, and she’d smelled faintly of Love’s Baby Soft perfume.

And she'd told him his face tasted awesome. No one has ever said something like that before.

His phone vibrates against his chest, pulling him from his thoughts. He glances at the screen and frowns.

To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

we should talk about this

Blaine can’t help but pull a face as he responds:

To: Kurt Hummel
From: Blaine Anderson

Because that worked out so well last time. No thx.

To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

stop being so unreasonable!!!

To: Kurt Hummel
From: Blaine Anderson

Wow, Kurt.

To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

just… shit… can I call you???

To: Kurt Hummel
From: Blaine Anderson

No. I don’t feel like talking to you right now.

To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

blaine, please?

To: Kurt Hummel
From: Blaine Anderson

I’ll see you at school tomorrow.

Not trusting Kurt to completely ignore his wishes, Blaine shuts his phone off before tossing it on to the bed beside him and throwing his arm over his eyes.

He’s never felt this close to a tantrum before. He can’t help but wonder what his parents would think of that? Their disappointingly gay son throwing a tantrum because his gay friend won’t accept that he is considering the fact that he might, possibly be bi — they’d probably be thrilled!

And maybe, maybe Blaine would have been okay with Kurt questioning him if it had been about something other than completely negating the question in the first place, like Blaine has no right to ask it. Maybe, if Kurt’s reasoning had been something more along the lines of not wanting to be alone if Blaine were to discover he is bi, or that Kurt didn’t want him experimenting with his sexuality with Rachel, his friend. Blaine could have accepted those reasons—at least, he could have discussed the motivations behind those reason with Kurt.

He just can’t get past what Kurt said to him—“Bisexual’s a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with a girl and pretend like they’re a normal person for a change.” Blaine honestly never expected to hear such a narrow-minded view of the world from Kurt, it shocked and hurt him. Not just because he had been expecting his friend to support his journey, but because he’s always valued Kurt’s opinion, from the moment they met. It’s not just a question of reevaluating Kurt’s outlook on the world, but of reevaluating his own view of Kurt.

Has Blaine really been so wrong about him?


“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Blaine glances up from the lunch he hasn’t touched to find Kurt standing over him, tray in hand, and a small frown on his face. Turning back to his lunch, he says, “I’ve been in class. That’s not quite the same as avoiding.”

“What about my text messages? My calls last night and this morning?” Kurt drops his tray down on the table and takes his usual seat beside Blaine.

“I turned my phone off—“

“Oh yeah, that’s not avoiding at all,” Kurt responds in that waspish tone of his that normally Blaine adores and laughs at, but right now he really just has the urge to tell him to fuck off.

Instead, he takes a breath and says, “Can we not do this?”

Kurt doesn’t say anything, as if letting it go, but he’s stabbing at his salad with a singular brutality. Watching it just raises Blaine’s ire because he honestly has no idea what the hell Kurt has any reason to be angry over. After all, it isn’t as if he had questioned Kurt’s need to search for who he is.

But apparently Kurt Hummel’s just too damn perfect and put together to have questions about himself!

“Excuse me?”

Shit. He hadn’t realized he’d muttered that out loud. Cowardly though it is, Blaine doesn’t meet the gaze he feels Kurt leveling at him.

“For your information, Blaine,” Kurt snaps. “As much as we’ve spent time together and talked, you still don’t know me or everything I’ve been through or even half of what I may or may not have questioned about myself.”

“Yeah, well,” Blaine flickers a quick glance at Kurt, at how rigidly he’s sitting beside him now, “that goes both ways, doesn’t it?”

Kurt lays his fork down. They both just sit there in silence. Blaine thinks about apologizing but he knows if he starts there, Kurt will just want to continue the discussion and Blaine can’t. Not right now. Everything is just too raw.

“I need to go finish up some homework for my next class,” he lies, standing as he shoulders his bag and grabs his tray.

Kurt doesn’t bother stopping him.


Warbler’s rehearsal turns out to be as equally uncomfortable. Blaine knows the others can feel the tension, can see how careful he and Kurt are at avoiding having to interact with one another all that much. He thinks that’s why Wes tells them to pair up for some duets. The bastard actually does it on purpose. So when Kurt suggests they sing “What is This Feeling?” from Wicked, Blaine doesn’t argue.

They actually get compliments on the emotion behind it.

Yeah. Well.

Blaine’s still angry, and hurt, and he really doesn’t feel like talking to Kurt until he can get past this. And yet, he isn’t the least surprised when he shows up at the Lima Bean to find Kurt sitting at their usual table. And likewise, Kurt doesn’t seem all that surprised when Blaine gets his coffee and walks over to join him.

Of course, it is different. They didn’t arrive together, and they aren’t really even talking. Just sitting there, sipping at their coffee, looking at every point in the coffee shop except each other. And Blaine hates it because there has never once been a moment of discomfort between them since the day they met. They’ve always been able to talk about everything and anything, and he doesn’t know how to get that back.

One thing he does know is that he won’t be getting an apology from Kurt. In fact, the only times he’s ever heard Kurt say “I’m sorry” were either with sarcasm or in order to inflict a guilt trip. He’s pretty certain that if he asked for an apology, he’d get “I’m sorry that your need to find yourself is invalid”, or something because that’s just Kurt. And normally he adores that about him.

But not this time.

And he sure as hell isn’t apologizing for trying to figure out who he is. Sure, maybe he shouldn’t have gotten so angry back at Kurt, but he’d been hurt by the things he’d said. Really hurt. He remembers what it was like to be bullied, to be told he wasn’t allowed to be who he was, that there was something wrong with him for it, and Kurt had basically said exactly that to him. Blaine just can’t understand why Kurt doesn’t see that. Kurt of all people, who knows exactly what it means to have someone not like him for whom he is, to then turn around and do the same to Blaine.

God, he shouldn’t be thinking about this right now, especially when he realizes he’s spent the last few moments tearing his empty sugar packet into tiny little pieces scattered across the table top. He scoops the shreds into his hand and stands, moving over to toss them into the trash.

When he returns to the table and takes his seat, Kurt is sitting up a little straighter, lips pursed. Blaine tries to focus on his coffee and not think.

“Just… so we’re clear,” Kurt begins quietly as he spins the cardboard cup in his hand. “I don’t actually have unadulterated loathing for your face.”

Blaine glances over at him quickly, trying to figure out exactly how he is supposed to respond only to see Kurt trying very valiantly not to smile. His own lips twitch, and he has to look away because, seriously? The comment is so random and so perfect and so very much what he is used to between them that it’s hard not to laugh or cry, and it’s burning his eyes and throat to keep from doing either.

Taking a breath, he glances back over at Kurt before focusing on the stirring stick he’s holding between his own fingers, and says, “I’m, uh, glad you cleared that up.” He allows himself to smile.

Across the table, Kurt returns it with one of his own.

Blaine feels himself relaxing a little. They trade a few comments about rehearsal, and the discussions regarding Regionals. When Blaine explains this is the longest it has ever taken them to decide on a set list, Kurt seems surprised. Honestly, Blaine can’t help but think that recent revelations to the Warblers have changed the group’s thinking patterns somewhat. He’s not so angry that he can’t attribute a lot of that to Kurt’s presence.

“So, when is your date with Rachel?” Kurt’s voice takes on that high note he tends to get when he’s upset about something.

And the conversation had been going so well. Blaine frowns a little. “Kurt—“

“I’m really just… asking, Blaine.”

“Tonight, actually.”

Kurt’s eyes go a little round, like he was expecting the date not to really happen or something. He sits back and picks up his coffee cup, nursing at it for a long moment.

Not wanting to drag out the torture any longer, Blaine gets up. “I should probably go. See you at school tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Kurt doesn’t look up, and Blaine’s okay with that.


It’s not as if Blaine has a lot to base it on, but the date with Rachel seems to be going pretty well. That is, he’s enjoying himself. She’s the only other person besides himself he’s ever met that knows the dialog to Love Story (admittedly a bit overrated but it packs a punch) and her ability to create an endless stream of conversation — even when entirely one-sided — is remarkable. Honestly, Rachel is the only other person aside from Kurt who has the ability to discuss subjects with him that he knows and loves, and yet can just as easily usurp the entire conversation while he sits back and listens.

He also has to admit, he admires her confidence in herself. He’s always thought of Kurt as the only person he has ever met who is so completely certain of who he is and where he wants to be. But Rachel actually seems to have a bit of a lead on Kurt in that category. Blaine is a little envious; he wonders if she has ever truly had a moment of self-doubt in her life.

After the movie, they grab burgers at a local diner (Rachel had suggested Breadstix but for some reason, it was the last place Blaine felt like going) and Rachel insists they split a chocolate shake. Blaine can only be amused as she places two straws in it and places it in the middle of the table between them. He's always considered himself a little too attached to the romantic moments in cheesy movies — now he thinks she may have him beat.

“I’m so glad we did this tonight,” Rachel beams at him as their orders are delivered and she begins dissecting the veggie burger in front of her. He watches in fascination as she takes the entire thing apart, and then eats each part of separately — bun, lettuce, tomato, pickle, veggie burger. “You know, I could just tell the other night when we sang together? There was a connection between us. Very few people can keep up with me vocally, you know. It’s refreshing to meet someone who can. It helps that you’re cute, too.”

“Umm, thanks.” Blaine isn’t certain what he’s supposed to say, so he concentrates on his fries.

“You seem like a take-charge kind of guy, too. A real leader. It says a lot that you’re the lead vocalist in an a cappella group. You definitely stand out up there. Can you imagine a duet between the two of us in competition? We would blow the rest out of the water!”

Blaine smiles and nods, and begins to point out there are plenty of others in New Directions who seem fairly talented as well, but Rachel continues.

“Not that we should be really discussing our talent prior to Regionals. I don’t want to accidentally let anything slip—and you really shouldn’t, either. I want us going into the competition equally. Even if you might have a little bit of an unfair advantage with Kurt on your side. Not that we don’t have our own tricks up our sleeves!” She flashes a bright smile and winks at him.

Blaine feels surprise at her mention of Kurt. “You think Kurt gives the Warblers an advantage?”

“Oh, I know that by asking you out it probably seems like I don’t think very highly of Kurt, I mean, since he likes you and all, but honestly, he’s the only one in New Directions who has ever even had a hope of coming close to my talent. Not that he’s that close, but still. I can acknowledge talent when I see it, and Kurt has it. I just hope your Warblers recognize that as well. I know he was disappointed at not getting a solo at Sectionals. He would have had one with us, you know. But then all of that stuff with Karofsky happened and—“

Blaine’s still stuck on her comment about Kurt liking him. Not that he didn’t know — they’d kind of covered that, left it in the friend zone for now because, wow, Blaine can’t even begin to wrap his mind around asking Kurt out. Taking Kurt out. Doing things right by Kurt. Kurt’s his friend. His closest friend.

But apparently Kurt has told others that he likes Blaine and that’s… Blaine doesn’t know what to think of that. Okay, so he should expect it, maybe. Kurt has friends. Lots of good friends. And surely you don’t talk to the guy you like about liking him (even though Blaine can’t understand why not because they’re friends first, right?), so you talk to your other friends.

Like Rachel.

Who Blaine is currently sitting across the table from. On a date.

Oh, god.

“Blaine? Are you all right? I didn’t mean to imply that the Warblers don’t have a chance of winning Regionals—it was just a little friendly competition talk.”

Blaine swallows, takes a breath and nods, giving her a smile and indication to continue talking. It’s not Rachel’s fault he’s lost his appetite or that he feels like throwing up. Or that he has just committed yet another monumentally stupid mistake in the history of stupid mistakes, and really, this is exactly why the idea of dating Kurt and allowing himself to even consider Kurt in that realm is unthinkable.

Stupid shit like this.

It’s not Kurt’s fault that Blaine has all of these questions. And yet it’s Kurt who has to deal with it while he figures his way through it.

And it’s not Rachel’s fault that she so quickly caught on to the fact that he was beginning to question himself—she merely pressed it to her advantage, and he kind of likes that she’s okay with being his first date. It’s just yet another hint at Rachel’s enormous capacity for confidence in herself. He’s kind of certain she never once thought he’d say no.

Its Blaine’s fault for getting either of them involved. Maybe he shouldn’t have shared so much with Kurt, even though Kurt was the only one he wanted to share it with. He had unfairly, he guesses, expected Kurt to be his friend through this, hold his hand through it. And maybe under different circumstances, Kurt would have. But now there are all of these complications — Rachel knows Kurt likes Blaine, but Rachel asked Blaine out. And the worst part of it is Blaine still doesn’t know much of anything.

He’s just as confused as he was the night of the party.

Blaine walks Rachel to the door when he takes her home. It’s what he’s supposed to do, right? She tells him she had a wonderful time, and he agrees, and when she says they should do it again, he nods as well because he can’t think of any reason not to — even though he honestly doesn’t feel an overwhelming need for it.

He doesn’t know why he doesn’t kiss her goodnight. He reasons maybe it has to do with the fact that it’s only a first date, and it isn’t really necessary. She looks like she’s expecting it and he feels like he should but instead he gives her a smile and a nod before turning and heading back to his car.


Blaine tries, unsuccessfully, not to think about Rachel, and Kurt, and their fight, and everything else while he studies that night before bed. He stares at the equations in front of him while trying to sort out all the little emotions he feels. He’s beginning to think making sense of himself is an impossibility. He’s already snapped two pencils in half, and he’s come no closer to deciding who he is or what he wants.

Plato said I must first know myself, as the Delphian inscription says; to be curious about that which is not my concern, while I am still in ignorance of my own self would be ridiculous. Blaine’s fairly certain Plato is somewhere right now, pointing and laughing at him.

His thoughts are interrupted when his phone hums against his desk. Blaine glances at the screen to see Kurt’s name, and hesitates. He really isn’t in the mood to text him right now, especially if it’s just so Kurt can ask about the date. He doesn’t blame him for wondering, he just doesn’t know how or if he wants to answer questions right now.

Sighing, he reaches out and picks it up to read the text.

To: Blaine Anderson
From: Kurt Hummel

i know u don’t want 2 talk or anything but my dad said something tonite that kinda hurt and i just need—

Blaine doesn’t finish reading the message before he hits “call”. When the phone picks up on the other end, there’s a slight hesitation from Kurt before Blaine hears, “Hi…”

“Hey. What’s going on?”

Another pause. “I… didn’t expect you to call. I mean, you didn’t have to…”

Blaine worries his lip as he gets up and wanders over to his bed to sit down and get comfortable. He leans back against the headboard and pulls his knees up against his chest. “It sounded like you could use someone to talk to.”

This time the pause is followed by a shaky, drawn in breath. “Yeah…” Kurt’s voice cracks just a little.

“You wanna talk about it?” Blaine asks, momentarily hating the fact that Kurt hadn’t called him, had even been afraid to text him.

It’s not supposed to be like this between them, and yet, he had known he’d screw things up eventually, even without the added complications of him discovering the need to figure himself out.

“I… my dad brought up you staying over the other night. He wasn’t too happy about it.”

Blaine winces reflexively. “I shouldn’t have stayed over—“

“Yeah, because you dying in a drunken wreck would have made this fucking week so much better.”

Not certain how to respond to that, Blaine says nothing. He focuses on a piece of lint on his comforter, picking at it. Honestly, he had kind of enjoyed waking up in Kurt’s bed. He doesn’t really know how to explain it—he hasn’t spent the night in another boy’s bed since he was little. He supposed he just liked waking up to find Kurt standing over him, holding a cup of coffee and smiling in a way that said he thought Blaine was either completely adorable, or completely pathetic. Blaine thinks it was closer to the latter.

Apparently not finished with his story, Kurt continues, “I get why my dad was upset, I do. But it was how he said it. He said I was being ‘inappropriate’, and I” —He hears Kurt take another deep, shuddering breath— “I know he didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but it still hurt. It felt like he was saying that just by being gay made whatever we did inappropriate.”

The sound of Kurt’s voice at the end of his words and the tell-tale sniffles that follow are all Blaine needs to hear to know that he’s crying. Kurt’s tears have always had a tendency to break Blaine in a way nothing else can. He finds himself wishing he could be there for him right now, and to hell with their stupid argument.

“Shhhh,” he soothes softly. “You’re right. He didn’t mean it that way. Nothing you’ve ever told me about your dad would lead me to conclude such a thought would even enter his mind. And in that same way, I’m sure he never considered how the word ‘inappropriate’ could be construed. It’s just the word he chose, unfortunate though it may have been.”

“Unfortunate,” Kurt repeats quietly, and Blaine knows what he’s thinking before he even says it. “That’s been going around a lot this week.”

Sighing, Blaine sits up, crossing his legs in front of him. On the one hand, he just wants them to get past this and get back to being them. On the other, he realizes he isn’t ready to forgive just yet. He can’t help but feel like all of the trust and faith he’d held in Kurt as his friend has disappeared simply by Kurt’s accusation that he somehow didn’t have the right to question himself. He wants it back, though, more than anything in the world.

“Yeah,” he finally agrees.

“How—“ Kurt hesitates, and that alone causes Blaine to tense up. “How did the date with Rachel go?”

Blaine frowns. “Is there any particular reason you’re bringing that up?”

A longer pause, then, “I honestly just want to know.”

“Honestly? I’m not really comfortable talking about it with you.”

They both fall silent. Blaine considers making an excuse to get off the phone because at least Kurt doesn’t seem to be crying anymore, and that’s something. But then Kurt says:

“We used to be able to talk about everything.”

And instead of simply agreeing like he knows he should, Blaine finds himself snapping, “Yeah, well, that was before I tried talking to you about something I felt was very important and you brushed all my words aside like my feelings didn’t matter.”

He shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t mean to say it -- he really didn’t want to argue right now.

“God, Blaine that was so not the case! That’s just how you interpreted it! And if you want to talk about feelings not mattering to someone, maybe you should step back and take a look at your own words to me.”

“Why am I not surprised this is somehow all about Kurt Hummel?”


Blaine begins to think Kurt hung up on him (and deep inside, he can’t blame him if he did), but then he hears him whisper, “Why did you call me tonight, Blaine?”

The guilt he feels at Kurt’s words is almost overwhelming. He leans back against the headboard once more and closes his eyes. “Because I wanted to be here for you. To make you feel better.”

“Good job. Really.”

Blaine bites his lip, fingers tightening around his phone. He continues to feel surprise that Kurt is still there. “The date was good,” he offers quietly. “I mean, not that I have a lot — okay, any — to compare it, too. But we had fun… Thanks for asking.”

Kurt makes a small noise of acknowledgement.



Blaine really doesn’t want to end this call with Kurt upset at him, again. There’s enough between them already — most of which he put there. “Are things going to be okay with you and your dad? I mean, with me spending the night and all?”

“Yeah.” Kurt sighs. “I just have to check with him first… I mean, if it happens again. I just… things like this come up, and I feel blindsided because I guess I expect him to just understand.”

“I’m sure he feels blindsided, too.”

“I suppose.”

More silence. Blaine sighs.

“Kurt, I’m sorry I snapped at you about the date.”

A softly drawn breath, and then, “I… was hoping you’d call me, Blaine. Thank you.”


Warbler rehearsal isn’t quite as uncomfortable the following day. Occasionally he looks over at Kurt, and finds Kurt looking over at him. He thinks maybe they’ll be able to get past their argument as they exchange a few smiles, and when rehearsal is over Kurt passes by, and says, “See ya?”

Blaine nods.

He has to spend a few minutes after with the council — there’s a minor disagreement over a potential song selection for Regionals, and they want his input. Blaine finds himself agreeing with David, and that doesn’t seem to please Wes all that much, and Thad appears to not have an opinion one way or the other. He doesn’t figure he’s helped all that much, but they all thank him and he finally heads out to the Lima Bean.

Stepping inside, he makes his way over to the line to get his coffee when he suddenly sees Rachel walking up to him.

“Hey, Rachel!” He turns and greets with a smile, both pleased and a little surprised to see her. “What’s going on?”

The sudden kiss is even more surprising. Her lips are still soft and warm, and taste like chapstick. He’s kind of stuck on that fact for the next few moments, and then it hits him that that’s kind of where his impression of the kiss stops. He really can’t get past the chapstick. Other than that, it’s nothing like he remembers from the night of the party. It’s not pleasant, it’s kind of awkward, and he kind of wants it to be over. And then he hears Kurt’s words as if he is standing right next to him:

You were drunk.

God, he hopes that wasn’t all it was because if he has honestly spent this last week….


Rachel pulls back, staring up at him as if she’s expecting him to say something. Oh god. Does she want him to fall in love with her or something? Because he really doesn’t think that’s going to happen. Not when he can’t really get past how completely awkward the last few moments have been. And she’s still staring up at him.

He smiles at her because he can’t think of anything else to do. He can feel his thoughts go into full-on panic mode and he feels the need to get out of there, fast. “Yep,” he says quickly, still smiling, realizing he doesn’t even know what he’s saying. “I’m gay. One hundred percent gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel.”

God, he’s rambling. He needs to get out of there. “Listen, save my space in line, will ya? I gotta go hit the restroom.”

He turns and makes his way quickly through the coffee shop, trying not to break into a run.

Lame. Restroom, really, Blaine?

Lame. Lame. Lame.

He pushes his way into the restroom, taking a deep gulping breath.


Blaine leans back against the door as it closes behind him and closes his eyes, willing his limbs to stop shaking. He wonders if anyone has possibly felt more stupid than he does in that moment. That he’d even questioned — why had he even questioned? A drunken kiss and duet at a party? Had he really believed that so much doubt truly lingered in his mind about himself?

Or what… what if it is worse than that? What if he’s simply afraid and being bi would have at least been a way out, a way to have some semblance of normalcy in his life? He could have pretended with Rachel, like he had on their date, where no one looked at them twice — they were just a couple of normal teenagers out on a date. It wouldn’t be the first time. If anything defines his nature, Blaine is fairly certain cowardice is at the top of the list.

Pushing away from the door, he moves over to the sink and turns on the faucet, staring at the water for a moment as he tries to breathe and calm the thoughts raging through him. What does it say about him that he questions his sexuality for a week due to some drunken kiss only to realize he was being a total idiot with yet another kiss?

What kind of person is he?

“I suck,” he whispers, splashing the cool water over his face until he can finally breathe a little easier.

God. He almost ruined his friendship with Kurt.

When Blaine finally finds the courage to step back out into the coffee shop, he’s kind of relieved to find that Rachel has gone. He starts to get back in line but then he catches Kurt standing beside their usual table, holding up an extra cup, indicating it in his direction. Blaine takes a breath — courage, he thinks — and makes his way over with a small smile.

“You didn’t have to get that,” he says, taking the cup from Kurt as they both sit down.

Kurt shrugs. “I owed you one.”

There’s already a stirring stick and packet of sugar sitting on the table in front of him. Blaine quietly makes use of both while Kurt sits across from him, sipping at his coffee silently. It’s impossible not to notice that it’s almost-but-not-quite the usual feel between them. His shoulders don’t feel so tense right now or his stomach like he’s going to vomit. When he slips the lid back on to his coffee, he leans back in his chair to find Kurt watching him, an unreadable expression in his glasz eyes.

Glasz? Where had that come from?

“So…” Kurt begins, and there’s a tug at the corners of his mouth.

Blaine sighs, and can feel his own smile threatening. “I know you want to say it. Go ahead.”

“Say what?” Kurt is behaving entirely too innocently.

“I told you so. You’re dying to say it.”

Kurt smiles and glances down as he sets his coffee in front of him. When he looks back up, his smile is gone but the look in his eyes is kind. “Blaine, I never meant to make you feel like you didn’t have the right to find out who you are. I don’t want you to think that you can’t talk to me about things like that. I may not always agree, but I should be able to listen.”

“I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive,” Blaine tells him in return. “I admit I got a little scared when you said you looked up to me — I never wanted that, Kurt. I’m not even worthy of it. I’m the last person in the world you should be looking up to, and all I could think about was how disappointed you had to be in me, knowing I’m nothing like you believed.”

“I think,” Kurt says softly, smiling a little, “this is one of those moments where we’re just going to have to disagree on that particular point.”

Blaine flushes and glances down at his cup. There’s a momentary comfortable silence between them until he feels Kurt tap his shin with his shoe beneath the table. Blaine looks up.

“You know how I was positive you couldn’t be anything other than one hundred percent gay?”


“Your amazing taste in scarves.”

Blaine feels his mouth twitch as across from him Kurt erupts into giggles, and he follows soon after, loving that things are better again, normal again, and wondering why he had to take such a ridiculous journey to end up right back where he belongs.

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( Sing to me )
Scott: blaine 100% gayssecca01 on February 26th, 2011 - 06:26 am
Don't ever question that you don't have a Blaine voice because I definitely heard his voice reading this. This fic was so good! It was interesting to read about your views of what happened in BIOTA through Blaine.
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:16 pm
Blech. I still don't feel like I have a Blaine voice - need more background on him!! :P

But thank you, boo! And thanks for reading!!
Hyperbole is my primary form of expression: TV: Glee: Blaine Really Cares About Youbloodfever on February 26th, 2011 - 06:44 am
Just perfect.
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:16 pm
Thanks, sweetie!
maplelump: love/indecent amt.maplelump on February 26th, 2011 - 06:57 am
THAT WAS BRILLIANT. So glad you wrote it. Just captured everything he must have been feeling the entire episode. And the scarf line made me lol, so freaking hard. Perfect.

Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:20 pm
Had to throw in the scarf line. ;)

Thank you, lover!!*mwah*

rachel; ❤atomais on February 26th, 2011 - 08:57 am
Gosh. Your Blaine. Your writing. It's just beyond words, honestly. I loved Blaine's realisation, the kind of "oh, crap", moment, and how they were still sort-of there for each other even when they were fighting.

This was wonderful ♥
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:21 pm
Thank you so much! With the friendship they've given them so far, I just cannot bring myself to imagine they wouldn't still be there for one another when they were needed, no matter how bad things got.

Thanks again!
Bd: [Glee] baby it's cold outsidejetaimerai on February 26th, 2011 - 09:01 am
omg this is seriously everything I wanted from a BIOTA fic and more. I can't even fathom reading other ones because they wouldn't handle them with the same care and sensitivity as you did here. It's amazing. ♥
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:22 pm
Awww, thank you, sweetie!!

♥ ♥ ♥
halona on February 26th, 2011 - 09:06 am
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:23 pm
LOL If they got together already, then we wouldn't have the chance to write angsty fics between them about not being together. ;) RM sure is enjoying drawing this crap out, isn't he? My head might explode from the waiting...

But thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! ♥
fire_and_fall: flowery Klainefire_and_fall on February 26th, 2011 - 10:40 am
I've been avoiding BIOTA fics like the plague (I think the only other one I've really read was sotto_voice's, but I was an emotional mess and I needed my fluff fix) mostly because almost every one of them was written from Kurt's point of view, and while I love fics that are written like that, I NEEDED a fic where someone concentrated on Blaine's feelings and thoughts.

and I can't even tell you how glad I am, that it was you. You managed to grasp his thought perfectly and I can actually get behind this reasoning and understand how Blaine might have felt during and after their fight, how much it must have hurt him that Kurt couldn't understand that he is not that sure of himself, like Kurt thought he was. And I loved that even with their fight, Blaine called Kurt when he really needed someone to talk to.

Even if Glee chooses not to address this matter in the future -which, considering its tendencies to drop storylines as if they've never existed, is quite possible - I'd like to believe that it went down like this.
thank you for sharing ♥
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:33 pm
Unfortunately, I'm a bit of a masochist because I have been reading all of the BIOTA fics, and headdesking my way through most of them because Blaine's POV has been so completely MIA. It's been frustrating. I've spent this entire week arguing Blaine's side with others, and this fic was kind of my way of trying to work through it - even though it turned out a bit different than I had originally been going for. Isn't that always the way?? ;)

Personally, I loved BIOTA up until the last minute. I loved the fight - it seemed so raw and real and I love that they gave us something like that early on because we know they will get past it just fine. (Also, I loved Blaine through it - Darren played it so well, we got to see that Blaine can be just as bitchy as Kurt, and oh how he flounced away from the table killed me!) I just hated the last minute (really? they only gave us a minute??) that we were provided with to quickly get past the entire bi thing, and all they really showed us was that Kurt was kind of past his upset just by having him refer to Blaine as "just as dreamy as ever". I would have liked a *little* something with Blaine other than going to the restroom - what was that even?? *hands in air*

Rambly response... Anyway, thank you so much for your kind words! I am really glad that you enjoyed it and that it resonated well for you! (Honestly, I've been terrified about posting it - you have no idea!)

♥ ♥ ♥
Ania: Glee | be your teenage dream tonightancuru on February 26th, 2011 - 11:55 am

Seriously, your Blaine is amazing. I love how real he seems, with his insecurities and doubts. BIOTA was really poorly written, but I think this was initial thought, among others - to show that deep inside Blaine is as insecure as any average teenager.
Love it. :)
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:42 pm
Oh, thank you so much! (And yay, I love that gif - three of my fave Warblers, front and center!) I really do think they were trying to show us some deeper aspects of Blaine with BIOTA - they just really failed, IMO, with how they wrapped it all up in 60 seconds at the end. If you're going to spend time giving a character some depth, then you damn well need to give that character the same respect at wrapping it all up! It was just sloppily ended.

My feelings. Let me show you them! ;P

Thanks again!! ♥
ancuru on February 26th, 2011 - 11:44 pm
CWolfeh: <Glee> Oh you!crazedwolf on February 26th, 2011 - 12:08 pm
You are amazing and this was how it all should have gone down in the show; this was the story that we needed and didn't get.

Your Blaine voice is AMAZING. Never, ever doubt that!
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:42 pm
Aww, thank you sweetie!! Still not certain of my Blaine voice at all, but he was a challenge to write, that's for sure!

mystical van of doom: [gl] klainebowsvoldything on February 26th, 2011 - 12:36 pm
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:42 pm
Thank you, bb!
I was a taller girl too, once.: blaine's prefered scarf by lylith_stregala_electra on February 26th, 2011 - 02:19 pm
This was really wonderful and I love how you wrote Blaine. I love that their fight was sustained and that it took effort on both Blaine and Kurt's parts to make up for the fight.

Seriously, you have a great Blaine voice. I loved it.
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 05:45 pm
Thank you so much! Writing this terrified me - I am a self-labeled Blaine stan, but I still feel more comfortable writing Kurt. IDEK. :)

I really do think this relationship between them (wherever the show seems to be going with it) needs to remain balanced - so that it always requires both of them to work through their problems. I hope the show can sustain that!

Thanks again! ♥
silerswench: GLEE Blaine dropped his dappersilerswench on February 26th, 2011 - 02:43 pm
Punched the air when I saw you'd posted!!

Marry me? Seriously, your Blaine voice is just so incredibly insightful. The way he wraps himself up in logic knots trying to figure everything out, and never really gaining ground. Taking deep breaths trying to find the balance between calm respect and snappy defensiveness. His frustrations with Kurt and his complete blindness as to the deeper meaning behind his friend's sudden 180 on him.

I found this particularly revealing:
He also has to admit, he admires her confidence in herself. He’s always thought of Kurt as the only person he has ever met who is so completely certain of who he is and where he wants to be. But Rachel actually seems to have a bit of a lead on Kurt in that category. Blaine is a little envious; he wonders if she has ever truly had a moment of self-doubt in her life.

Oh Blaine, no. She's just as messed up and insecure as you, she just has one hell of a showface. He totally mistakes confidence for self-confidence.

Ugh, just brilliant.
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 06:06 pm
As much as they keep trying to hammer home lately how insecure and "layered" Blaine is supposed to be, I can't help but imagine that logic knots are what sustain the boy through life! LOL Between trying to project this outward appearance of being so put-together, and yet making really poor logic leaps half the time, on top of the idealism of how the world is supposed to work that he seems to wrap himself in (not to mention it seems Kurt is the only person he appears to have in his life that he can really count as a close friend) -- it's easy to think he spends half of his time worrying about what he should do, and the other half doing the opposite of what he should do. At least, that's the interpretation I get. :)

I felt the need to kind of show that Blaine has this idea in his head that everyone has it together but him. Hence, how he sees Rachel. Hence, how he thinks Kurt is supposed to react to his revelation about questioning his sexuality. Hence, the act he puts on to make it seem like he has everything together - he doesn't want anyone to think he might be the only 16-year old boy out there who doesn't know what he's doing! :)

Thanks so much for your kind comments! And sorry for the long response - LOL
Library Alterna-Chick ;): Klainejedishadowolf on February 26th, 2011 - 02:46 pm
And now if Glee doesn't revisit the argument and fix it, I'll be OK with it. You took care of that for me. Absolutely love the fact that they were still there for each other even when they were fighting.
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 06:08 pm
Awww, I'm glad to hear it! I've been so defensive of Blaine this week - lol - that this was kind of my therapy, or something. And I really, really do think that with the friendship we've been shown they have, that they would both still be there for one another even when at odds.

Thanks so much for reading!! ♥
lucie caboosiewhenidance on February 26th, 2011 - 02:53 pm
I love this. And I love you. And I am SO GLAD YOU WROTE THIS.

Seriously? Until Glee gives us something even as close as wonderful as this (which, at this point, not really expecting), new headcanon all the way.
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 06:09 pm
Thank you, sweetie. You have no idea how much I have angsted over this thing the last few days.

I think I can move on to happier stuff now! :)

Megan: Blainehere_inmyhead on February 26th, 2011 - 02:53 pm
I really wish the episode could have gone down something like this. Considering Glee's tendency to totally drop plot points, they'll likely just forget that this hot mess ever happened (continuity - what is that? :P).

I've been mostly ignoring the inevitable post-BIOTA fics, but I'm so glad I read this. This was the Blaine perspective we so very badly needed but didn't get. You write Blaine so well!
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 06:14 pm
My worst problem with the episode (I loved the fight, I loved Blaine's questioning, I loved Kurt not handling it) was how they "wrapped it up" in less than a minute. If you are going to hand a new character a storyline that indepth (and honestly, we're talking about Blaine's insecurities with himself, which we know he has from SLS, as well as something like questioning his sexuality?!?), then you also need to give the respect that is needed to conclude the storyline. Having him run off to the restroom after being kissed and decide he IS gay is just - I don't even know. If they don't address any part of this in "Sexy", I will one day hunt Ian down and punch him in the face. *ahem*

Anyway, that was my long version of saying thank you so much! I am really glad you enjoyed this - I think this was my therapy in getting past the Blaine-hate this episode generated for so many, and my not dealing with that. :)

here_inmyhead on February 26th, 2011 - 07:15 pm
pawndilenepawndilene on February 26th, 2011 - 06:38 pm
Lovely writing that helped soften the blow of this kind of upsetting (to me at least) episode with great tenderness and insight. I wish you could be on the Glee set as a Blaine adviser, just in case Darren needed to turn to someone and ask, "What's my motivation in this scene?" (Although I think the writers could use your help the most. You're right, they really didn't take the time to do justice to what they were trying to explore. I started panicking when I looked at the clock and realized they were going to wrap the whole thing up in a few seconds.)

By the way, your page is very aesthetically pleasing, just the layout, the images, the text. A nice place to visit.

That's a very cool Plato quotation! I hope Blaine starts to know and love himself more so that he and Kurt can really be together.
Aelora: Glee - Klaine backsaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 10:41 pm
Can I be Blaine's stylist instead?? Make up artist? Can I help dress him??? Okay, so I guess it wouldn't be so bad to be on hand when Darren has questions, either... ;)

Thanks so much! ♥ I'm really glad this helped make things a little less upsetting for you. I loved the majority of the ep - it was just the wrap up that left me feeling like a lot was suddenly missing. Fricken Ian!!

And thanks for the compliments on the page layout! I just like being able to look at Blaine. ;)
(Anonymous) on February 26th, 2011 - 06:50 pm
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Im not gonna lie this ep had me pissed at blaine. But with just the thought that this could have occured, i totally love him again.

Yep. Im one hundred percent gay.
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 10:51 pm
Awww! I'm glad this fic could change your mind - don't hate Blaine! He's just an insecure 16-year old boy who has a LOT of growing up to do!! :)
(Anonymous) on February 27th, 2011 - 08:02 am
Olivia: Darren - OICWYDTpaivilo on February 26th, 2011 - 06:55 pm
Long comment is long.
I really just need to say: thank you. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I am not too proud to admit that, as much I love him, I was REALLY upset with Blaine in BIOTA. I don't want to get into it, but I kinda completely ignored how he must have been feeling, and latched right onto identifying with Kurt.

And honestly? After reading this, I'm kinda ashamed at how quickly I jumped to criticize him. I think I was so invested in how all of this affected Kurt, and I was so disgusted with Rachel, that I didn't have any room for Blaine, and that KILLS me. It's odd, because usually I'm a bigger fan of Blaine than Kurt, but I think I just took Blaine's actions too personally, which is obviously ridiculous. I'm not even sure why it affected me so much.

Long story short (because I realize I'm rambling), your fic completely changed my entire perception of this whole storyline. I get Blaine's POV so much clearer now, I feel kinda embarrassed for how I viewed his actions before. Which is why I say THANK YOU for setting me straight. :-)

PS: This was flawless:

But apparently Kurt has told others that he likes Blaine and that’s… Blaine doesn’t know what to think of that. Okay, so he should expect it, maybe. Kurt has friends. Lots of good friends. And surely you don’t talk to the guy you like about liking him (even though Blaine can’t understand why not because they’re friends first, right?), so you talk to your other friends.

Like Rachel.

Who Blaine is currently sitting across the table from. On a date.

Oh, god.

Uh, YEAH BLAINE. DUH. Just proved once again, my baby really is JUST. THAT. CLUELESS. <3

PPS: Blaine going into his car to cry instantly made me think of this lol:
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Aeloraaelora on February 26th, 2011 - 11:14 pm
Re: Long comment is long.
Awww. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your obviously visceral reaction to the episode. As badly as the end of the ep was handled, I've said to a few people, something right was done to create the reactions that this episode caused, and many of the conversations that have followed.

The level of hate and blame that was directed at Blaine after this episode really upset me. To the point, I was ready to leave the fandom and just huddle in my own little corner and enjoy what I could out of the show. I honestly didn't blame either of them for what happened, but the more I saw people angry at Blaine, the more I found myself defending him. You have no idea how many IM arguments I was engaged in, and hell, I think I might have lost some friends over it. And it's not like I don't get it - I can see where the anger at him came from. Honestly, I don't think THIS story needed to be told just yet - not right after the stuff with Jeremiah. On the same hand, from Blaine's POV, I could totally see why this would happen now, after the rejection from Jeremiah. I just wish the ending of the ep had been handled differently...

And I wish fandom had taken a few collective breaths before the shit storm happened.

I think I am grateful we have two weeks to get past things before "Sexy" airs. :)

Anyway, this is my way of saying I'm glad I could help a bit with giving you some food for thought on Blaine's side of things - I think he is a really brilliant character who has so much potential and should never be allowed to be handled by Ian again. Even when faults and insecurities are written, there should be enough respect given to clear them up at the end of an episode. And that courtesy was not extended to this character at all.

And LOL I should have made it rain while he was crying! :P

♥ ♥ ♥
Batkonehatbatkonehat on February 26th, 2011 - 07:07 pm
This is Perfect
Wow, Aelora, thank you so much for this. I LOVE Blaine, but could not get my head around motivations and such after BIOTA. You filled in a beautiful picture and now I can be at peace with this crappily written episode. I just hope these guys do end up together in canon. Without interactions like you've spelled out here they seem to be going nowhere fast and it hurts my heart like heck.
Aeloraaelora on February 27th, 2011 - 12:20 am
Re: This is Perfect
I really wouldn't worry about where they're going on the show. Yes, this ep wasn't handled the way it should have been, and I think they are throwing unnecessary angst in when they have two characters in front of them who connected within the first seconds of their meeting, but I trust in Brad and Ryan to at least eventually get them where they should be. I agree - it's painful right now, and honestly, I think fandom just makes it worse for me! I love both boys to death, faults and all (and I am still of the mind that Kurt's past has included FAR WORSE transgressions than anything Blaine was a part of in BIOTA), and I am still rooting for them, heart and soul.

I think once they are together, they will be absolutely amazing. :)

LOL that was my wordy way of saying thank you!! I am really pleased this helped you feel a little better. :)
Murgy: Blaine Adorablemurgy31 on February 26th, 2011 - 07:17 pm
This was absolutely wonderful! I adored the way that you wrote Blaine... It was fantastic....
Aeloraaelora on February 27th, 2011 - 12:20 am
Thank you, sweetie!!! ♥
sotto_voice on February 26th, 2011 - 08:01 pm
Aeloraaelora on February 27th, 2011 - 12:23 am
Nowhere near as marvelous and happy!making as yours (OMG the hug made me MELT) but in fandom I am little more than a lemming - I have to write my own fix-it fic. ;)

Thank you, sweetie! ♥
chocolate6969chocolate6969 on February 26th, 2011 - 09:12 pm
This is.. oh my god. Just. Oh my god. You've turned me into an incoherent mess with this incredible and perfect fic ♥
Aeloraaelora on February 27th, 2011 - 12:23 am
You seem pretty coherent to me! :) Thank you, bb!!

♥ ♥ ♥
castillo_mvcastillo_mv on February 26th, 2011 - 09:32 pm
The emotion was so strong I actually felt my chest aching for Blaine! Amazing voice. You did a great job...never doubt your ability to grasp both Kurt and Blaine!
Aeloraaelora on February 27th, 2011 - 12:24 am
Awww! Thank you so much for saying so, honey!! ♥ ♥ ♥
Nikkoheystella on February 26th, 2011 - 09:35 pm
Blaine's point of view in a BIOTA fic, yesss. I love how you still managed to follow canon events of the episode but made sense of it all in an amazing way that left me going "THIS is how it should have ended!" while wanting to inflict bodily harm on Ian. Thank you so so much; this was like cooling aloe on a vicious sunburn (strange similes are my commenting thing, I don't know). Hello new headcanon. <3
Aeloraaelora on February 27th, 2011 - 01:21 am
Hahaha! Making sense of this ep is pretty near impossible - not even just the horribly unsatisfying ending, but the editing was awful. Were we really supposed to believe Kurt and his dad were making souffles at like midnight??

cooling aloe on a vicious sunburn

Hahaha! That is beyond awesome! Thanks so much!! ♥ ♥ ♥
Natalia: Crisscolfer <3eratko on February 26th, 2011 - 09:41 pm
Just wow. It was so intense!!! You are amazing!
So well written, all emotions and... everything <3
I don't even know what to say...

Thank you so much x
Aeloraaelora on February 27th, 2011 - 01:22 am
Thank YOU so much!! ♥ ♥ ♥